kristilynnv1

So... my mom is having surgery on the 5th. I've never been so scared in my life. She'll be under for 6 hours while the doctors try to fix her back. Biggest worries are blood loss, paralysis.. death. I'm trying not to think of bad things but it's where my mind naturally goes. Trying to prepare myself for the worst even though I know there's no preparing for anything like that... There are so many things I want to tell her... how much I love her.. how much she means to me. I can't say any of them without risking worrying her. I can't make anything sound like a goodbye. I have to stay positive. I know it's better for her if I do.. but what if I lose her? I can't begin to imagine the pain I'll be in. I don't know how I'll cope. I'm not a person who deals with emotions. I never have been. Trying to put a name to emotions I'm not familiar with is just so uncomfortable. Just sitting here giving in to the fear is almost unbearable. I generally try to block out all bad feelings. I know everything will be fine but there's a part of me that has a really bad feeling about this. I hope that part is wrong.. I hope all this worrying ends up being for nothing. I'm sure it will be... I don't even know why I'm rambling about it. I guess some part of me just wants to acknowledge whatever emotions I may be having... Although writing this doesn't make me feel any better. It just makes me more scared.

I don't know what I expected to accomplish by writing this down. Nothing, I guess. I just needed to get it out there..

I'm terrified.

Entries never are happy, are they? Okay, I'll start with happy stuff then move to the zomg WHHY things!

My nephew got this huge pop up tent for Christmas, and I want to build my house just like it! (It looks like a huge dog. It's ADORABLE!)

I got this awesome lotion that smells superwonderful. I heart it.

I always fail at this.. XD Me not a positive thinker. Me a glass half empty thinker. So onto the bad things!

My back. Oh my god. I have NO clue what I've done to it, but it's the worst pain I've felt in a very long time. I can't sit, stand, or lay down in any way without it hurting like a mofo. Tylenol and Advil aren't touching the pain, so I'm just dealing with it and hoping it'll go away. I'm constantly on the verge of tears from it, but no person (:P) really knows bad it is. I hope it gets better soon, this is bullshit. XD

It's the beginning of the year, so that means it's store manager switch around time!! Now.. I'm not so upset about losing our store manager. He liked to pretend I didn't exist because of my age/sex/gayness/whatever. I'd have to have one of the assistant managers tell him ideas I had, because whenever I suggested ANYTHING it was a bad idea. We got a new guy and so far he seems pretty alright. I hear he's strict, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, and our store could use some whipping into shape.

I'm upset about my favorite co-manager probably leaving. :( He was the best guy to work with, AND he tolerated my personality too.. XD What a winner! But seriously, no idea I had was stupid, and half the time he'd tried to work with my ideas to make them actually happen in store. I'll miss him so. :(

(Not too whiny! I'm usually way worse than this when I update... XD)

Oh! We're going to NY (not city, just mid-state) in Feb-March (to see Chris's mother) and I hate that I'll be so much closer to Kit but still not have a way to meet up with her. It's bullocks. :( Wish I could get a layover flight in Cleveland! That'd be awesome. XD

So I did some changing up on my journal (again.) Me likes this layout!

We're going to the casino today! My very soul quivers with excitement! It's been far too long. Oh lights and sounds, how I miss thee.

I'm in a very weird mood. I can't get a handle on it.

Ugh, I should've updated about it this morning, cause I don't remember much... XD

All I remember is that Kit was sad about.. youknowwhat, and she was at my house. I told her just to cry it all out and she'd feel better. Well, she cried for like EVER and after I asked her if she felt better.. and she got all angry and said "No! NOW I FEEL WORSE! THANKS A LOT!" and stormed off and flew back to Cleavage-land, swearing she'd never talk to me again.

:( I woke up crying.

I drive a piece of shit but my music play LOUD
The bass from my speakers leave you tipped like a COW

My paint job looks like shit, my car's all filled with rust.
but these extra loud speakers were a motherfucking must.

My oil needs changing, my tires are all flat
BUT MY MUSIC PLAY LOUD, so how about that?

I don't have spinnaz, or even a nice grill
but if I don't run you off the street, MY FUCKING MUSIC WILL!

I was apparently on GJ when this was written.. so I almost lost it. Luckily it was saved in some AIM logs.

Listen, you stupid cow man.. I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN YOUR GROUP! I made this stupid Wow trial account to kill time, because I'm going crazy. I don't want to be bothered! NOW SHOO! Before I turn you into hamburger!

RULES:

1. Put your MP3 player, iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the "next" button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

( Some of these are awesome.. might have more to come. I forgot how fun the power of random can be! )

From xM - "I'll be honest: I gave up on any and all of these types of sites because it either leads to bullshit pictures, fake information/profiles, or bots/dudes. "

My reply:

"If you're looking for a person with a personality that would belong as a quiz type in a magazine, you're right. (Outdoorsman, Partier, Rich business type, Home maker..etc. One dimensional people) But when you're looking for a more eccentric mix.. I find it works wonders.

If anything is laid on too thick, it's probably fake. (i.e. Do they have an alcoholic beverage in every picture? Are they on the beach in every picture? That tells you something. There's a LOT of themselves they don't want you to see. The biker chick won't tell you she still has Hanson on her playlist, etc.) Honesty should come above all else in relationships... and that includes the starting of them.

Maybe I'm just lucky. Maybe I'm good at filtering out bullshit online. I've used okcupid twice, and found relationships that "worked" both times. (I'm still best friends with my ex-girlfriend, so I don't see that as a failure)... Dating sites CAN work."

/reply

You know, I WISH I were a social creature, but let's be honest. One of my best friends lives in Ohio, one lives in Mississippi, and one is working 4000 hours of overtime. I don't see or talk to any of them frequently... but they all have something in common. I could sit down in a room with any of them and it would be comfortable in less than an hour. (Kit, you being the one that would probably have the longest adjustment.. it HAS been ages)

The internet has saved me from becoming crazy cat lady. Where would I REALLY be without it? Working, playing video games, sleeping. It's given me a chance to make REAL life connections with people.

I don't understand how people blow off online friendships/relationships as meaningless. I've shared more with Kit than I have with anyone else, ever. There was a time she knew me better than I knew myself.

I'm sorry that all you use the internet for is "hey lol ur son is cute!" facebook comments.. but it's not like that for everyone. I don't understand how people can just completely close their minds off to the fact that it COULD not only work out, but (in some cases) work out better than relationships that start off "real."

I don't even know what my point is with this. I guess I'm tired of the stupid baffled looks I get when I say I met Chris online. Really? Is it that hard to comprehend? Do I need to draw up a chart?

RAWR. /book

(Aww Kit, lookit! It's like old times. Me writing books and all. <333 )

I've realized why I never update about anything happy Kit. It's because I never, ever get to talk about all the shitty stuff with anyone. I spend day in and day out being so chipper and goofy and Spiffy! I don't have any outlet for the emo "woe is me" stuff. I sit down at the computer to tell you what's going on... and what pours out is the stuff I never get to let out.

So I'll do the crappy in a short, bulletin form.. and see if that'll get it off my chest enough to think about something happy.

( Woe is emo )

Think happy thoughts... Think happy thoughts... Hum, this is harder than I thought.

- I'm at a good place with Chris. We've been talking a little more so it cuts back on fights. Although I think she's taken to annoying me on a daily basis to prevent herself from getting mad.. but that's okay. I'd rather it. XD

(Side note: Our fights usually go like this.. Spiffy does/says something stupid, and doesn't realize it. Chris gets mad but holds it in. Few days later Chris explodes and every bad thing ever comes out. Spiffy shuts down and goes into robot logic mode which makes things worse. Spiffy eventually starts crying one way or another. Cuddlecryfest and fight over. I don't fight. I just get yelled at and start spewing logic in their face. It was the same way with Angela. XD )

- I'm still madly in love with my ipod touch. <3 (Still want the iphone UBER bad!!)

- My cat is adorable.

- My nephew is getting so big and loves me so much! Little man really is the light of my life.

- My sister in law is pregnant again! :D

- Uhh... this is harder than I thought. Not that I'm not thankful and happy for small every day things.. but I just can't think of any normally.

- We added a new meal to our menu! Red beans and rice. It's good. Kit, you'll have to tell me what you do for dinner usually.. I need new ideas. XD